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Wednesday, December 9

Windows XP on a PC is a lot like bad relationship.

Sup y'all. Forgive me for sounding ignorant on this one, I'm just frustrated and have went through a very bad break up.

Ya know, I use to be a big fan of the PC and the Windows platform and I would defend it tooth and nail whenever someone tried to bash it. Especially back when I was in school and my design professor cramming the love of all things Apple down our throats. But today, it's different.

My STUPID PC is acting like a complete A-HOLE right now, and I think she's not gonna go back to how things use to be. Thinking of this made me come to a realization, OWNING A PC AND USING WINDOWS IS A LOT LIKE BEING A BAD RELATIONSHIP.

You start off nice. A fresh new PC and a fresh new Windows XP installation right there in front of you as bright and promising as that grassy hillside meadow on your first desktop. And the only thing on your virgin desktop is that little cute recycle bin which appears to have NO BAGGAGE. Hell, it even gives you some important tips before you start your new relationship, like to make sure you got your crap detector up (firewall) and to be sure you supply yourself with some cyber condoms (virus protectors). It even tells you to where to go for updates so it can rock your world and be the BEST OPERATING SYSTEM you'll ever have. You start to install needed programs and customize your settings to your sweet specifications. Yep, you're in like Flint and you know you're gonna put some work in on this hottie and feel good about it too. This PC is gonna teach you things, make you money, and take you places and show you things you'll never imagine.

Then you have to connect it to the INTERNET, which is like bringing your sweetheart out into the cyberworld. You both get to visit this site and that site and watch this and listen to that, but eventually you will his restrictions, such as; in order to see THIS, you gotta install THAT. Or if you wanna install THAT, your PC need THESE. You shrug your shoulders and download whatever it takes in order to have a good experience with your PC.

But after a while, you notice you're PC talks a bit TOO MUCH with it's pop ups. Then it says, "If you wanna shut me up, then you're gonna need to install THIS". Next thing you know you're installing programs to eliminate spyware and malware. Yeah, your PC is now chatting to other programs and they're giving it ideas on how to mess with you. Also your PC keeps it's mouth shut whenever something goes wrong internally. Bad coding, a hidden virus, or a failed driver. Does it come outright and tell you? NOOOOOOO, it either keep it to itself or communicates in KLINGON and says confusing mess like, "error 4956848550000: The blah of the blah cannot operate of the whosis in my whatzits". Now you're trying to reason with it. You gave it the drivers and protection it said it needed, and now it's being all cold to you. After a while, your PC started being cold and bitchy, and starts telling YOU what you can and can't do with it, like it's on some eternal PMS or something. You're sitting there wanting to get it on like in the old days but all it does now is turn over and tells you it's got a headache by showing you a bunch of other error codes leaving you cold and confused for another night.

Now you're pissed off. You paid good money for that damn PC and you want it to do what you expect it to do. You search forums looking for advice on how to "FIX" it, just to find other hapless saps like yourself who aren't able to do it in their own relationship with their PC. You get desperate and started doing radical changes. You start uninstalling this and removing that, trashing these and those. Scan disks, defraging, clearing temp files, new ram, I mean some real drastic stuff to show this battleaxe you mean business and you're not gonna tolerate it's shit no more. And the fight begins. It starts messing with you RIGHT BACK by making certain files unreadable, deleting folders, corrupting programs and inviting more bad characters than a Mexican block party. Error code after error code, over and over again. You get new software and install, it rejects it because it's missing an internal driver or something. You call tech support and it freezes your mouse and keyboard so you can't do SQUAT with it. You then go berserk and resort to good old comforting violence. You start slaping that PC around like a pimp from Oakland just to feel better and also because you can get away with it. But then it pulls out it's ACE card, it's Coup de grace, and give you it's monumental last SCREW YOU by giving you the dreaded BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH and DUMPS your sorry ass. Oh, and it wipes you CLEAN too. It takes everything. The photos, the programs, the videos, EVERYTHING. That mechanical heffer doesn't leave you with just 'half' like in a real relationship, IT TAKES IT ALL. I'm sure if it had the ability it would frame you for murder and inform the cops just to watch you get arrested and be led away.

So there you are, alone and cold with no PC and no connection to the precious cyber world you were once a part of. So you install a NEW Windows XP to your machine and when you are asked if you want to format the drive, you think of the craziness and all the problem it has given you and press ENTER to get rid of every remnant it may leave behind of itself. You then install a fresh new copy of Windows XP on your computer and you're back to square one and become EXTRA careful this time in customizing her for a much wiser, harmonious relationship.... Until you notice you're PC is talking a bit TOO MUCH AGAIN. DAMN!!!!

So that's it for me. I'm changing sides. I'm tired of watching those Mac commercials with Justin Long and that white nerdy guy and defending this stupid Windows XP. I don't trust it's "upgrades" either. They can call them whatever they want Vista, Windows 7, Windows Best Ever, WHATEVER! They can all kiss my behind then kiss it again. I'm gonna wait for my welfare check, and mug a couple of tourists and get the money I need to buy me a new MAC.

Lista. (I don't look like that white guy there, hugging his Mac)

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